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  • Alison Bartow

Sketch - Common Knowledge



Common Knowledge by Alison Bartow


Cast:

Nick, uncomfortably excited and competitive. Is convinced that everyone should have the same experiences and world view. Gets more irritated and has louder outbursts as time goes on. Could be a Tim Robinson character.

Drew, a coworker of Nick and Grace who might not be as tuned in on some pop culture trends, is not looking forward to playing with Nick but is good friends with Grace.

Grace, a mildly competitive coworker who is friendly with Nick but a little wary of him.

Trivia Master, reads off the questions from the back or maybe offstage. Like every trivia master ever, thinks they are very funny and tries to spice things up.


Setting: A bar with a few tables and chairs set up and a table in the back with a sign that reads “Trivia Night”. Nick, Drew, and Grace are sitting at a table.


Nick

(excitedly)

Ugh guys! I’m so excited that we are finally doing this. Trivia night, uhh oh man I am PUMPED! Look at the competition, bunch of losers, am I right?


(Nick pulls down on his thumb making a fart sound and very openly gestures at the table of people behind them SR)


Drew

(clearly already a little uncomfortable) Alright man. Let’s just… it’ll be a good time. That’s all that matters.


Grace I think we will beat them too Nick. Let’s just focus on our own team.


Nick Ohhh yeahh. Yeah. Yeah totally. We are the dream team huh guys? Thanks for inviting me, so crazy that we haven’t done stuff like this more!


Trivia Master

Alright folks you ready for some trivia?! Tonight's theme is space ya’ll. I know we’re gonna have a good time tonight alright, but let’s try to cool it on the Uranus jokes. (beat) We have fun here.


Grace

Woo! You ready?

(she pulls out a pen and take the paper, ready to write their answers)


Trivia Master

Ok first question. What character from the Star Wars movie franchise is famous for her BUNS?


Grace

Oooh Princess Leia!


Nick

I mean she’s a general now but it’s fine, He probably is thinking princess I guess. Ah maybe put it. Just put it just in case.


Trivia Master

Question number four. In the season 2 episode of the TV classic, the Jetsons titled “Family Fallout“ what is George’s computer R.U.D.I. an acronym for?


Nick

Oh ha ha. I thought we were done with the easy questions.


Grace

I don’t think this is an easy question. Do you know the answer?


Nick

ARE YOU JOKING ME RIGHT NOW?! The family feud esque face off between the Jetson family and the Spacelys?? George is tricked into entering but ends up winning the foodarackacycle machine and Spacely is stuck with a lifetime supply of products from Cogswell, his arch rival?


Drew

Dude. No one knows that.


Nick

Grace. Come on tell him.


Grace

I have no idea what you’re talking about.


Nick

Oh my god! Did you guys not have a childhood? I’m sorry. I just don’t understand how you don’t know this??? I feel like everyone should know this. It’s SO EASY. COME ON!!!


(Nick locks eyes with Drew with comically angry look on his face for awhile neither blinking and Nick he attempts to flip the table dramatically and struggles to even lift it, his arms shaking)


Grace

Just. What is the answer Nick.


Nick

(stops trying to flip the table and sits back in his chair)

R.U.D.I. stands for Referential Universal Differential Indexer. Wikipedia might still say the D is for digital but come on! Right? I flagged it for an edit.


Trivia Master

Next question!


Drew

Thank god.


Trivia Master

Alright last question of the night folks, and just a friendly reminder that these tables are indeed bolted down.

Last question. Who crafted the greatest tribute to what was formerly the 9th planet in our solar system: Pluto?



Grace

That feels oddly subjective, how would we know what the greatest tribute is?


Nick

(shaking his head already)

You guys DON’T know this? This couldn’t be easier.


Drew

What is it Nick?


Nick

Everyone knows that the greatest tribute to Pluto, our fallen brother, is a five-part musical from my uncle Danny on his YouTube channel Ch0nkTickl3r.

(he explains quickly, and bored as if this is a well trod subject)

The “o” in chonk is a zero and the “e” in tickler is a “3” you know, I know you know.


Grace

What the fuck are you talking about?


Nick

My uncle DANNY? He is only one of the PREMIER nose flute players in the ENTIRE peninsula and famously he created THE GREATEST TRIBUTE TO PLUTO!!


Drew

Okay I don’t...How would we know about your uncle?


Nick

Do you… HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW ABOUT MY MOM’S SECOND OLDEST BROTHER DANNY? IT’S LIKE YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW ANYTHING.


Grace

Hey um. Nick what’s really going on here? Are you okay? Why are you so angry that we don’t know?


Nick

(looks up tears in his eyes, really contorted weeping face. Speaks through sobs)

I just, you guys always come to trivia and. (sob) you (sob) never (sob) want (sob) to (sob) (sob) (sob) invite me.

(puts his head back in his hands)


Trivia Master

Hurry up and turn in those quizzes folks!


(Grace grabs the sheet of paper they’ve been writing on and runs offstage to hand it to the Trivia Master)


Nick

I know people don’t always like being around me. But, TV never cares how loud I get or how excited I am. I know this stuff guys trust me.


Drew

Do you really think the answer is your uncle, buddy? I mean let’s just be reasonable, ok? Grace turned it in so I’m sure she wrote something good.


Nick

Yeah okay. Yeah I mean we’re friends now so it’s okay. (sniffs) I mean yeah we can probably get ONE wrong. (chuckles)


Trivia Master

Alright! Well this was very easy to grade, you all mostly got a perfect score, I guess my questions were a little too easy tonight! So it all comes down to the last question.


The answer of course was the incomparable Ch0nktickl3r and his five-part nose flute musical tribute to the now dwarf planet Pluto.

(Nick’s eyes go wide)

So congratulations to Quiz in My Pants, with a perfect score you are tonight’s winners!


Nick

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(gets on his knees and tries to rip open his shirt while he screams)




[blackout]


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