Musical Sketch- Phantom Ex Boyfriend

The Phantom Ex Boyfriend by Alison Bartow

Cast:

Chris, Woman feeling lonely and aroused during quarantine, unsure of what to do about texting her ex

Phantom, A physical manifestation of Chris’ memory of her ex, very persistent and a little dramatic

Chorus of Phantoms, three other exes

Setting: A bedroom, Chris is sitting up in bed in a robe holding her phone.

(The music to the song “Phantom of the Opera” starts as a fog starts to roll across the stage.)

Chris

At night he texts with me

“JUST CHECKING IN”

An emoji winks at me, asks how I’ve been

And do I reply to him while I’m alone

The Phantom of the ex boyfriend is there

Inside my phone

(A man dressed in cargo shorts and a backwards visor enters upstage wearing a half mask and silk cape a spotlight on him, he is the phantom)

Phantom

Sext once again with me, It can be our secret

My power over you grows stronger yet

And though you hesitate, I know we’ll bone

The phantom of the ex boyfriend is here

I will make you moan

(The phantom swirls around victoriously in his cape behind Chris as she sings)

Chris

Those who have seen your pics

They seem impressed

He’s got a great penis-

Phantom

Sure I’ll confess..

(The phantom pokes his head out from the side of her bed looking pleased at this line. They sing the following lines to each other)

Both

You’re/I’m horny and desperate

Pubes overgrown

The phantom of the ex boyfriend is there

This seed’s been sown

(Three more men dressed in various normal and mundane outfits come out with capes and half masks to form a chorus warning Chris)

Chorus of Phantoms

(together)

Beware, the Phantom of the ex boyfriend

Phantom

Of all your fantasies, I’m in a few

You may not long for me

Chris

But you will do

Both

And in this nightmare scape, stuck in my/your home

The Phantom of the ex boyfriend is here/there

Chris

Inside my phone

(The Chorus dances around Chris, leaping across the stage in their billowing capes- now overwhelming her as she lifts her phone higher starting at it intently unsure and overwhelmed)

Phantom

Text me my desperate ex loveeeeeer!

(While the phantom is singing, Chris twirls around dropping her robe to reveal that she is now wearing sexy lingerie. She lifts up her phone dramatically and slowly while simultaneously moving into a cute pose into the mirror. The phantom watches intently and just as she starts to push her lips together into a duck face the music stops and so does she.)

Chris

You know what? (beat) I’m good. I’m just gonna go masturbate.